The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
