I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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