I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
