Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
