I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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