I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
