We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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