my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
