I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
