Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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