Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is Oprah even human
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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