I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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