I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
