its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If I die, sorry about rent.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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