I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
