Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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