John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
