I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
