i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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