I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's never too late to be topless.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
