Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
