i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
