i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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