remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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