I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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