2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
