gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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