drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
