remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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