the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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