So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
