you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
