you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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