Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
from now on my penis is your penis
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
