everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
