i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
