I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
