Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
