someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
