worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
