He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
