So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
