You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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