problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Come share oat with me in your robe
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
