I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I forget how to act sober
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
