I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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