I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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