if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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