She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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