i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
