I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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