Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize