But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
