i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
