I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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