I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize