Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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